This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
