Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
