I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
