Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
