If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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