You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
