Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
