the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
