very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
