You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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