so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
