I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
