Say something about gay babies.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
