well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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