I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
