6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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