Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
