If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Your penis caused this!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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