i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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