I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
