cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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