It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
