whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize