I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
