Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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