this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize