Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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