At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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