In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
