I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
