All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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