I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
