Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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