I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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