I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
