She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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