It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I supernannyed him into submission
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
