Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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