Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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