We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
