We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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