i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I look better un-naked...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
