I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
