Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
