No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize