I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
