If you die in college, do you die in real life?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
