3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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