Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
