I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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