so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
