Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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