Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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