my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
