I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
