soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Randomize
