I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
