Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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