You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
