i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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