I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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