I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
