did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and she was petting her beer can
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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