I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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