Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
